All About Ditzy!
My name is Ditzy Lebowitz, and I am a drop-dead gorgeous calico kitty of considerable charm and charisma. I am celebrated for my zaftig figure, since I am eighteen pounds of feline pulchritude and proud of it"! Some call me plump, but I prefer to consider myself as voluptuous, even Rubenesque!
I am not one bit ashamed of my full-figured proportions. My human, Ruth has love handles, which have inspired many a splendid sonnet from her appreciative admirers. But, I digress. After all, this tell-all, no-holds barrred story, is not about her, but about yours truly, Ditzy Lebowitz, the feline goddess of the internet, so here goes....
I was born in a trunk in The Princess Theatre in Pocotello, Idaho. Well, not really, but I just wanted to grab your attention, so you would keep reading. Did you bite the bait? Excellent! I shall continue my narrative...
I was put up for adoption at the tender age of ten weeks. While it was true that I was the runt of the litter, I was not the least bit concerned that I would have difficulty in finding a human sucker to adopt me.
Since I had so much innate charm and charisma, I knew that it was just a matter of time before I would be discovered, and whisked away to a home befitting a kitty with so many admirable attributes. My wait was not long.
One fine day, an amiable woman named Ruth visited the kitty orphanage where I was residing, to find a suitable playmate for her three resident felines, Alison, Milo and Otie.
While it is true that the kitty orphanage was not Dickensian, it certainly lacked in ambience and amenities. The boniface of this establishment, though congenial, did not offer such essential luxuries as croissants for breakfast, plush terry robes, or even wakeup calls for the feline boarders at his spartan hostelry.
When I saw Ruth, I knew instantly that this human would be mere putty in my capable paws. I started out my performance by running around the room in an an antic manner that encouraged my littermates to play with me. This was calculated behaviour on my part, thereby showing Ruth that I had leadership potential, which can only be an asset in a multi-cat household such as hers. Then I jumped into her lap and purred sonorously, sounding not unlike a feline outboard motor. What can I say? This human was quite malleable, and as soon as she looked into my merry eyes, she was toast!
My favourite movie is "All About Eve", and "The Prince" by Machiavelli was required reading at the kitty orphanage, which tells you something about me! Before Ruth even knew what had hit her, I jumped into her carpeted varikennel, and off we went to begin our life together at her humble abode, Chez Lebowitz. Do you want to hear more picaresque tales about my new life and times at Chez Lebowitz? Your wish is my command.
When I first arrived at my new home, I sized up the competition. I made myself acquainted with the resident feline trio, Alison, Milo and Otie. While I found them to be attractive enough kitties, I could sense that they lacked that "killer instinct" that I possess.
As far as I was concerned, it was a given that I was to be the dominant one at Chez Lebowitz, and I took the necessary steps to achieve that end.
First off, I dazzled those hapless felines with my unbeatable combination of beauty and sheer animal magnetism. Then I led them in merry chases around the apartment, establishing myself as the undisputed ringleader. Next I proceeded to the kitchen, where I polished off the contents of every food bowl in the house. This task was a piece of cake, since my appetite was voracious and I found the tasty comestibles far superior to the bowls of gruel that were standard fare at the kitty orphanage. Alison, Milo, and Otie deferred to me in this area, and did not partake of any sustenance until I had had my fill, and then some! Thus, my dominance at Chez Lebowitz was established. Well what did you expect from a kitty whose favorite book is "The Prince" by Machiavelli? That excellent manual in leadership has served me well throughout my many lives and times, and this case proved no exception. While it is true that the term "Machiavellian" has negative connotations, and is commonly used in a perjorative manner, I regard it as a compliment, reserved for the best and the brightest. The fine art of scheming is all too often underrated, at least if you ask me.
Once the ground rules were set, my life at Chez Lebowitz was a pleasant one. Each cat served a different purpose. Alison was a very sweet tiger-striped tabby with strong maternal instincts. I turned to her when I desired nurturing and unconditional love. Milo, a handsome orange tabby cat, proved to be an ideal wrestling partner. Since my appeite was always excellent, and the provisions at this establishment quite delicious, I soon became quite the rotund kitty. This was ideal for my wrestling career, since weight would be advantageous in wrestling with the aforementioned tabby, Milo.
We had many happy times together, tussling around on the floor, and putting each other in kitty hammer-locks. My aptitude was so great and my girth so impressive, that I soon acquired the appellation of "Sumokitty". These antics inspired Ruth to write a story about my career as a feline sumo wrestler, which led to fame, if not fortune, on the world wide web.
But I digress..
Milo had a sister named Otie, a sweet and petite tuxedo kitty of considerable charm and beauty. While Otie possessed many excellent traits, boldness was not one of them, so she deferred to me in all matters of consequence. Eventually Otie proved quite the excellent companion, the sister that I had never had. As our bond grew, we had pajama parties, and put each others' fur up in rollers, while gossiping about Milo, and other male kitties of our acquaintance. Even now, we are the best of friends, which I find quite congenial.
My days at Chez Lebowitz are busy ones indeed. When I am not wrestling with Milo, or being groomed by Alison, I am busy at the iMac, editing Ruht's personal pages, and writing my own, which of course, are far superior to her modest efforts. Did I neglect to mention that modesty is one of my finest attributes?
Such was the popularity of "Sumokitty", that I became quite the well known kitty on the internet. I attracted quite a loyal following, as did my roommates, Alison, Milo, and Otie.
We all get fan-mail, which is answered by our human slave, Ruth. I have trained her well, and she has proved adept at stocking the larder with the requisite comestibles, and changing multiple litter-boxes around the clock. When her state is a penurious one, she dines on generic tuna, while we dine on Sheba Succulent Crab with Aspic, and Savory Turkey with Giblets. On those occasions when the demands of feline cyber-celebrity require me to travel to L.A., she books my favourite suite at the Chateau Marmont and sees to it that the mini-bar is stocked with my nosh of choice, Whisker Lickins'. If conditions are unsatisfactory, I can be counted on to make a big stink, as is expected of a kitty diva of my magnitude.
All things considered, my life is a charmed one indeed.
I have the companionship and admiration of my feline roommates, who defer to me in all matters of consequence. My personal slave, Ruth wisely caters to my every whim and desire, since it there is a tacit understanding that I will brook no insubordination from my inferiors.
Yes, life at Chez Lebowitz runs as smoothly as a fine Swiss timepiece, which I find most agreeable.
Not too shabby for a calico kitty of humble origins, if you ask me...