Ditzy Lebowitz - My Menagerie!

Hello to all of my friends in cyberspace and beyond! Welcome to my new homepage. My name is Ditzy Lebowitz and I am a beautiful calico kitty, whose considerable charm and charisma are exceeded only by my fondness for Meow Mix.

At this point, you may very well be wondering why in heck I have a picture of a frog on my homepage! Well, believe it or not, there was no template with a picture of a beautiful calico kitty or any kitty for that matter, so I figured I would go with this frog for now. As battrachians go, this guy is pretty cute. Anyway, if Mark Twain could write a short story about a famous jumping frog, then I guess I would be safe in going with this motif for now. Hopefully soon, my human, Ruth will spring for a digital camera, so that all of cyberspace can see my eighteen pounds of feline pulchritude. For now, you will have to use your imagination. Believe me - I look nothing like this frog. I am a drop-dead gorgeous calico kitty, and modest, too. In fact, I would have to say that modesty is one of my finest traits! I'm sure you could not disagree with my assessment. Want to hear more about me and my menagerie at the humble abode I call Chez Lebowitz? Sure you do! Fortunately I will be glad to oblige you in this matter. Besides my beauty and modesty, I am also an excellent writer. Plus, I am a great photographer as well. Just look at this wonderful photo of the frog. I took this photo myself, and now they are using it in this generic template. So, you see, I really do know my way around an F-Stop! I have more Minoltas, Leicas, and Rolleis than you could swing a cat at. Oops - poor choice of words. Back to my story...

Okay, you asked for it, here goes... When I was just a little tadpole - oops, I meant to say "kitten". Jeez - why don't they have a template with a kitty on the page for goodness sake. But I digress... When I was just a kitten, I was adopted by a human named Ruth Lebowitz. She already had adopted three kitties, Alison, Milo, and Otie, and I guess she just found adopting kitties like eating peanuts, because she didn't know when to stop. Moderation has never been her strong point. One of Ruth's favorite quotes is by the human author, Oscar Wilde. He said, "I can resist anything but temptation". Sounds like this Oscar guy was a pretty cool human, judging from that epigram. Maybe I was his kitty in a previous life? I've got more than nine of those you know. As I was saying, before I took that quantum leap... Ruth adopted me at the tender age of ten weeks and I joined the menage at Chez Lebowitz, where cats rule. This human should get down on her hands and knees in gratitude, and be thankful that we cats let her live there. At first I was the new kid on the block. However, there was such an abundance of delicous kitty-pleasing comestibles at Chez Lebowitz, that I soon became quite a plump calico kitty. I have never met a sack of Meow Mix I didn't like. My greatest ambition is to be a "spokescat" for Ralston Purina, since I am a veritable walking billboard for their product! Ruth is not only my human mother, but also my publicist and agent. She has been trying to convince Purina to hire me for this coveted position, but so far, no dice! Those ingrates! I have given them so many plugs for Meow Mix, and have yet to receive one penny in remuneration. I must get myself a new agent!

When I first joined Ruth's humble abode, I was just one of the cats, but soon established my dominance and now consider the other feline residents, Milo, Alison, and Otie as my own personal "pets". Thus, the title "Ditzy's Menagerie". Since I am such a substantial kitty, it was easy to become the chief honcho, since I threatened to sit on anyone who didn't cater to my every whim and desire. Just look how well I trained my human. As I see it, her role in life is to make me a happy camper. Thanks to my excellent tutelage, she has become quite a competent slave. I guess she should be considered part of my menagerie as well. Yes, she is the token "human" in my merry band of subordinates. Okay - so they're not that merry, but they should be grateful I allow them to share cyberspace with me. Want to hear about my feline pets, or should I say "subjects"? Well here goes...

So you want to know about my hobbies? Well, my main avocation is dominating the other kitties at Chez Lebowitz. There is Milo, a handsome orange tabby cat of considerable charm and charisma. Milo is quite a debonair tabby cat, and considers himself the "George Saunders of the cat world". True, he is suave, but comparing himself to that smoothie, George Saunders? Well, I guess I shall allow him to harbor some delusions. A happy subject is a loyal subject. I told you all of these cats were my subjects, right? Hey, don't mess with me. I've read Machiavelli's "The Prince". In fact, it's my bible. I do believe I was Machiavelli in one of my previous lives, but the particulars are a bit murky. Yes, Milo is quite a handsome kitty and he serves me best as my wrestling partner of choice. Did I tell you I was a sumo wrestler? Well, I am! All of those sacks of Meow Mix I have consumed helped me "bulk up" considerably and made me quite a formidable sumo wrestler. Hey, I don't have to take anabolic steroids like some humans I could name. I would do quite well in the Olympics 2000 in Sydney, but I am not overly fond of koalas or kangaroos. Plus, the Olympics are for amateurs and I am a professional!

Milo has a sweet and petite sister named Otie. She is a tuxedo, sleek black fur with a fluffy white chest and white socks to match. She likes to play with furry white mice, but isn't into wrestling. She is the most cerebral member of my menagerie, and likes to type out stories on Ruth's iMac. She has these delusions that she was a famous feline muse in previous lifetimes. Once again, I let Otie cling to these delusions, since as I have already stated, a happy subject is a compliant subject. I get along quite well with Otie. She is quiet and she knows who's the boss. Also, she is very helpful when it comes to assisting me in shamelessly promoting my websites, which are legion in number, as are my fans in cyberspace, both human and feline.

Then there is Alison. She is a sweet tiger-striped tabbie with strong maternal instincts. She was like a surrogate mother to me, when I first took up residenced at Chez Lebowitz. Now she, too is one of my subjects, whose goal in life is to keep me a happy camper. It is easy to manipulate her into doing what I wish, since she is basically a softie. She harbors the delusion that I am one of her kittens, and once again, I let her believe that this is the case. This way she gives me her share of gourmet delicacies, such as Sheba Succulent Crab and Turkey in Aspic. Yum! Alison believes that mothers should be self-sacrificing, so she eschews offers of food from Ruth, and tells her to give me her portion as well. Yes, she is well-trained.

Last, but not least, there is my human pet, Ruth. Training her was very easy. She is basically a people-pleaser, often to her own detriment, so it was a mere bagatelle to make pleasing ME her greatest goal in life. She writes my websites, promotes them, answers my copious fan mail, and stays in the background as the nonentity and human peon that she is. Yes, life at Chez Lebowitz is sweet indeed for this calico kitty of humble origins, if you ask me....