Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Ditzy Lebowitz, and I am a rather rotund calico kitty, whose considerable charm and charisma are exceeded only by my fondness for Meow Mix. I am a feline gourmand who views the world as one vast kitty smorgasbord and have become quite famous not only for my feline beauty, but for my voracious appeite as well.
It happened like this...
My mother was a beautiful calico kitty, and my father was a handsome merchant marine on shore leave. He was a bounder and a cad and left my poor, unfortunate mother in the "family way", abandoned by her family and shunned by the feline society that had heretofore embraced her as one of their own.
As luck would have it, she was taken in by a kindly veterinarian, who promised her that he would see that her offspring would be placed in suitable homes, by adoptive parents, who would be able to offer us all of the comforts a kitty could desire.
At an early age, I was schooled in skills which would help me attract the proper human.
I learned the time-honored art of "The Silent Miaow", as chronicled in the book of that name by the poet laureate of the cat world, Paul Gallico.
I learned the fine art of effective headbonks, and honed my purring skills until I sounded not unlike a feline outboard motor.
Thus prepared, I was ready to choose the proper human to adopt me and take me home to live in the style befitting a kitty as charismatic and comely as myself.
My wait was not a long one..
One fine day, an amiable woman named Ruth, came to visit the domicile of the kindly veterinarian. While it is true that she already had three felines in residence, named Alison, Milo, and Otie, she wanted to provide another kitty with a happy home and all of the advantages that she could offer.
I sized her up for the warm-hearted human that she was, and went right into my adorable act. I gave her many effective headbonks and purred up a storm. Then I gazed at her with my beautiful brown eyes, and she was completely smitten with me. After all, she was only human, and unable to resist such a combination of feline wit and beauty.
Lickety-split, I found myself in a carpeted varikennel headed home to begin my new life with Ruth at Chez Lebowitz, her humble abode.
When I arrived at Chez Lebowitz, I made the acquaintance of three agreeable felines, Alison, Milo and Otie. They greeted me warmly and made me feel right at home.
I adjusted to my new environment and roommates immediately. They were captivated by my winning combination of feline wit and beauty, and were impressed by my lust for life. It is well known that I appreciate the finer things in life, with food being my primary concern. There was such a vast array of fine comestibles at Chez Lebowitz.
There were bowls overflowing with Meow Mix, Whiskas, and savory goodies such as Sheba Succulent Crab in Aspic, and Fancy Feast Turkey with Giblets in Gravy. For a trencherman like me, this was truly a slice of heaven. I ate and ate, and then I ate some more. Before long, I became quite the voluptuous kitty, with curves in all the right places. Yes, I was a full-figured feline in true Rubenesque splendor. I consumed so much Meow Mix, that I became virtually a walking billboard for their delicious product, and soon came to the attention of Purina, who recognized my potential as their official "spokescat", a position for which I am eminently suited.
One day Ruth decided to write for the internet, and chose me as the subject for her first story. It was called "Ditzy Lebowitz - Sumokitty!" You see, all of that feline avoirdupois that I had acquired from eating sacks and sacks of Meow Mix, had bulked me up quite nicely, and therefore made me a perfect candidate for feline sumo wrestling, an underestimated sport. I chose Milo as my wrestling partner of choice, and our fame grew as did the popularity of my website.
Thus emboldened by the success of Ruth's modest efforts, I decided to write my own stories from my uniquely feline point of view. Naturally, they were very well-received, and I found myself ensconced in the hearts and minds of the feline-loving population, which is quite considerable on the world wide web. Almost overnight, I had become a feline cyber-celebrity, and Milo, Alison and Otie came along happily for the ride. Before long, they followed in my illustrious footsteps and created their own websites, which attracted a loyal following, albeit not as sizable as mine, but noteworthy, nonetheless.
Our human mother, Ruth found her own niche editing our websites, shamelessly promoting them on our behalf and serving as our general publicist, personal amanuensis and abject slave, a role she has grown into quite nicely. I try to give her some positive feeback from time to time, since I have found that it is politic to keep one's subordinates happy and motivated. If I told you that my favorite book is "The Prince" by Machiavelli, I do not think you would be greatly surprised.
My days are busy and full. There are manuscripts to be edited, and currently I am in negotiations with Ralston Purina regarding my future role as their "spokescat". That would be the fruition of all of my hopes and dreams, and my life is turning out even better than my poor mother, could ever have hoped it to be.
My present life is exciting, and my future looks rosy indeed. There has been talk of a mini-series based on my adventures as one of the first feline sumo wrestlers, and I am working on a screenplay based on my life and times. Don't forget that I have nine lives at the very least, so there is no dearth of material. I have just completed the latest chapter of my memoirs, which promise to be of Proustian proportion. My goal is to be a "triple threat" as the star, producer and director of an autobiographical film, which will no doubt be a tremendous smash, breaking all box-office records for a film of that genre featuring a feline in a starring role.
Milo, Alison and Otie will have supporting roles, since it is my policy that nepotism belongs at home.
Yes, I am one happy and fulfilled kitty with her star very much in the ascendancy.
Not too shabby for a calico kitty of humble origins, if you ask me....